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blur-world -- how could it happen?

No matter what time of day I wake up, I am in the dark. Without my glasses I can see ... oh, about as far as an inch past my nose. (Mind you, within that one-inch radius I can see everything, up to and including the teeny tiny typeface of the two-volume OED.) I'm used to the dimness of the morning world. I just fumble around the shelf near the bed, don my glasses, and the world springs into focus. (Don my glasses -- what a silly way to put it. Any time you use a fancy word when you could use a simple one, you die a little in your soul. My friend Bruce has what he calls "the two don rule" when he's reading a new book. No, this is not a mafia joke. If the author uses a phrase like The hero donned his smoking jacket and proceeded downstairs, Bruce makes a mental tick mark. One more phrase like that and he puts down the book, and crosses the author off his list of people he should read.)

So, like I was saying, I put on my glasses and the world springs into focus. But this morning -- several hours ago now -- I fumbled for my glasses in vain. On my bedside shelf were kleenex, reading lamp, several books, and a week's worth of dust, but no glasses. I was puzzled. I hunted through the bedclothes -- had I fallen asleep with the glasses on? Nope. I got out of bed and felt around on the floor. No glasses. I still wasn't what you'd call worried -- I have several pairs of slightly-out-of-date glasses dotted about the place. But I was really surprised. I mean, how could the glasses be missing? I wear them all the time. When my kids lose their homework bike hairband jacket shoes wallet accordion toothbrush dessert penkife -- when they lose all the things they lose, my first question will always be: Where were you when you last had it? In this case, I was in bed -- I had my glasses and then I took them off. Are you sure you had it then? I'll ask the kids. My own answer here would be: Yes, I'm sure. Because when I take my glasses off, I can't see any more.

The situation had gone far enough. I groped my way over to the dresser, and scrabbled through the top drawer until I found an old pair of glasses. The world limped into view -- bit hazy, but clear enough for me to function. I put on coffee (I don't think you can don coffee, can you) and commenced Operation Glassesfind.

And now, at .... 1:27 by my computer (had to lean forward and peer at the time) I am still at it. The operation is ongoing. The glasses are not in the bedclothes, not on the floor under the bed, not on any of the shelves near the bed. Where oh where can they be? What can have happened? I've considered the idea that I was sleepwalking last night, or had had so much to drink that I don't remember correctly. Neither answer really fits the evidence. (I've never walked in my sleep, and I don't have a headache.) My current theory involves malignant elves. It doesn't make any more sense than my previous ones, but at least this way it's not my fault.

More next time. Meanwhile, if you have any theories, I'll be delighted to consider them.


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