• Richard Scrimger

fastest turkey in the west


As of yesterday lunchtime, my entire Christmas bird -- 5.5 kilos of Grade A poultry -- has been consumed. There's not even a wishbone left. This is by far the quickest I have ever got rid of a turkey.


(Got rid of -- as if it's a tired old toy past its prime. Funny how something so carefully sought in the market, so fussed over, so much enjoyed on the night, can become so very tedious. This would be the time for an obvious comment on love or marriage. Consider it made.)


Growing up, I recall countless nights of leftovers. My mom fed a tableful of aunts and widowers as well as her immediate family, but there was so much else to eat at Christmas dinner that somehow they left enough for us to have what seemed like weeks of turkey fricasse, turkey a la king (that's it in the picture, which I got from something called the happy housewives club -- creepy or what?), turkey pot pie, turkey piccata, turkey newburgh, turkey con carne, etc.etc. I swear one year we were eating turkey thermidor (or something like it) on Valentine's day. When I began cooking my own family's Christmas dinner a dozen or more years ago, there were fewer plates around the table, and I bought smaller birds, but there was still a full week of leftovers each and every time....


Until now. Two Christmas vacation style lunches of turkey salad sandwiches (with clementines for fruit) and we're done. There is no more bird. I'm turkey-leftover free until Easter. Want to know my secret? It's not complicated. Pay attention now. 1) Invite a lot of teenagers. 2) Don't offer any appetizers to fill up on 3) Feed your guests late in the evening (Imo had to work so we didn't sit down to dinner until 8:30) -- by now they are starving 3) Don't serve anything good with the turkey. I recommend plain couscous (possibly the world's dullest food) along with a hard-to-like vegetable like fennel 4)


No, I think that's it. It worked for me anyway. Lunch today is going to be peanut butter or grilled cheese. We'll still have clementines because I somehow I ended up with four boxes of them. But no more turkey for three or four months.


Hmm. I wonder how clementines a la king would taste.

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Richard Scrimger | scrimgerr@gmail.com | Toronto, ON, Canada