• Richard Scrimger

for butter or worse

First off, I must thank those who wrote in with suggestions on how to solve my zombie problem. You should be working on fiction projects. Your plots are all much better than mine. Clearer, more gripping, better constructed. My own outline for the end of the book shows gaping holes everywhere, the fabric of my story a gauzy semi-transparent thing, suitable for the beach or the strip club. Now, with your ideas in hand, I can perhaps patch my outfit together, and at least cover my narrative nakedness.



Yesterday I got away from the zombies. Yes, it was Richard Scrimger day at a far-flung public school, and I basked in glory and personal questions throughout the afternoon and evening. There were pictures, and speeches, and signs all over the school. There were hugs and applause and book signings, and a triumphant dinner featuring both chow mein and Oreo cookies. I must confess to a small feeling of disappointment, however. When I was informed of the celebration, I envisaged a statue. Vanity, I know, but I was kind of hoping to see an image of myself. I recall visiting the Royal Winter Fair as a youngster, and being captivated by a life-sized sculpture of Terry Fox done entirely in butter. What a tribute! I thought to myself. Every time I go to the Royal, I check for the butter sculpture. I've seen Gretzky, Mandela, and the Little Mermaid. One year they did Kim Campbell - not too shabby. (That's not her in the picture below, by the way -- it's Marilyn Monroe. The one above is Tiger Woods. Note the detailing on the bench. That's craftsmanship, people.)



So, like I say, on my way north yesterday (driving well within the speed limit) I was nourishing a small hope at the back of my mind. A statue. Nothing life size, of course. But still, evidence of a certain artistry and time commitment. I passed dairy cows, and thought: Ahhh, raw material. But it was not to be. At the end of the day I shook hands with the event organizers and smiled to cover my dead and withered hope, and drove off. There's another Richard Scrimger celebration planned in another small community in a couple of weeks. I wonder. I wonder. Here's a quick question for you. Butter, being readily available, easy to carve, and silly, is an ideal material for statues. I'm wondering about other choices. If you could choose the material for your own brief immortalization (a tricky concept, come to think of it) what would it be? So far my thoughts are hovering between Spam, macaroni, and styrofoam pellets....

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Richard Scrimger | scrimgerr@gmail.com | Toronto, ON, Canada