• Richard Scrimger

really fake


Going to talk about essence today. What a thing is. (Is that ontology? My philosophy has been picked up second-hand in mystery novels. It's cheap but shabby, and sometimes it doesn't work.) Imo found a package of gummi worms in the junk drawer. Oooh! she cried, taking a couple and chewing appreciatively.


These are the real ones.

I was puzzled. What other kind would there be? I asked.

Well, there are those all natural ones, she said. My friend's mom buys them. They're not nearly as good.

I spend a lot of time in my mind. I don't get out much.

All natural gummi worms? I said.

Yeah. You know. You get them at the bulk food stores. They're kind of good for you.

I shook my head. No, I said. I don't know. I don't know at all. Which brings me to essence. Can we agree on some basic definitions? A thing is what it is, and not something else. Right? Right. So what in the name of all that's advertised is a natural gummi worm? Surely the term is self-contradictory. Taking away the thing that makes it a gummi worm and calling it a gummi worm is an affront to sense. Who are these manufacturers? It's like pushing a breadless sandwich (less caloric) or a noiseless car alarm (easier on the neighborhood). If you eat gummi worms, then you want an instant hit of sugar and gelatin and chemicals. You are not craving something healthy. That would be an orange. Imo caught the idea right away. The gummis in our junk drawer are the real kind, because they are not all natural. Real because they are fake.

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Richard Scrimger | scrimgerr@gmail.com | Toronto, ON, Canada